Thursday, 9 February 2012
Saturday, 4 February 2012
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Bad day again
today is just horrible.....
woke up being unhappy....my mother asked me if "i am safe" again yesterday, all because i simply told her that i am sorry that i disappoint them (my parents). she argued me over whether i did or not....i know that i do tho, i wouldn't be happy if my 24 year old daughter was as f""ked up as i am....
so today i just really have felt totally out of control and unhappy. the guy that i have been having sex with and pursuing a relationship with again today went back to his ex. shes a fat bitch that is so stupid i cant even convey it. she has no high school, dropped out in grade 9....and is a bartender, no school, no future, no brain.
makes me feel so much worse about myself wondering what it is about me that makes me less wanted than a girl like her....i am unwanted, and she doesn't even have to try to have everything.
i know that i shouldn't even want him, and that hes an idiot. but my mind tells me i want guys like him, and on good days, hes the only thing that makes me happy at all.
regardless i decided that today i wouldn't eat.
and i couldn't even keep that up, i ate a couple pieces of popcorn and a couple fries.....i feel fat, and disgusted with myself.
i cant wait ...2 days and i get to start back on the treadmill......i need to loose sooooo much more weight I'm a cow, and i obviously disgust men.......
i wish i was thin, i wish i was happy, i wish i was beautiful.....
im going to go watch the kim carpenter movie again.....gain new insight and ideas.....
woke up being unhappy....my mother asked me if "i am safe" again yesterday, all because i simply told her that i am sorry that i disappoint them (my parents). she argued me over whether i did or not....i know that i do tho, i wouldn't be happy if my 24 year old daughter was as f""ked up as i am....
so today i just really have felt totally out of control and unhappy. the guy that i have been having sex with and pursuing a relationship with again today went back to his ex. shes a fat bitch that is so stupid i cant even convey it. she has no high school, dropped out in grade 9....and is a bartender, no school, no future, no brain.
makes me feel so much worse about myself wondering what it is about me that makes me less wanted than a girl like her....i am unwanted, and she doesn't even have to try to have everything.
i know that i shouldn't even want him, and that hes an idiot. but my mind tells me i want guys like him, and on good days, hes the only thing that makes me happy at all.
regardless i decided that today i wouldn't eat.
and i couldn't even keep that up, i ate a couple pieces of popcorn and a couple fries.....i feel fat, and disgusted with myself.
i cant wait ...2 days and i get to start back on the treadmill......i need to loose sooooo much more weight I'm a cow, and i obviously disgust men.......
i wish i was thin, i wish i was happy, i wish i was beautiful.....
im going to go watch the kim carpenter movie again.....gain new insight and ideas.....
**clue for people...watching documentaries and movies on eating disorders help keep up your resolve**
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
sorry readers
Sorry for my absence.....I had a bit of a hard time, was sick, one of my friends figured out my plan and I had to spend time convincing them that I was fine, and I fell off the waggon for a bit and had a binge fest....all of which left me feeling drained and more depressed than before.
however this little episode left me with a very incredible gift....my psychologist has prescribed me adderall (FINALLY!).....i am prescribed it for the symptoms of my depression not covered by my antidepressant....and oddly enough basically anyone can become prescribed it if you know what to say and what things it can be used for off normal use (add adhd) ....feel free to msg me if you need assistance. ;)
anyways. adderall is a really strong stimulant and makes you lose weight because it takes away almost your entire appetite, however after it starts to wear off for the day you can feel your hunger pains very strong for a while before bed......
i find that if i just have a small meal once a day before bed its helping....and i plan to further restrict this as i get used to the meds.
only downside is that i haven't been able to go to the gym as it can be dangerous as you start adderall....as its a stimulant it increases your resting heart rate/ blood pressure ....and extreme cardiovascular workouts could cause a stroke/ heart attack :S
gym in two days....missing the tread mill......
hope your all good
hoping i can skip food totally today :)
however this little episode left me with a very incredible gift....my psychologist has prescribed me adderall (FINALLY!).....i am prescribed it for the symptoms of my depression not covered by my antidepressant....and oddly enough basically anyone can become prescribed it if you know what to say and what things it can be used for off normal use (add adhd) ....feel free to msg me if you need assistance. ;)
anyways. adderall is a really strong stimulant and makes you lose weight because it takes away almost your entire appetite, however after it starts to wear off for the day you can feel your hunger pains very strong for a while before bed......
i find that if i just have a small meal once a day before bed its helping....and i plan to further restrict this as i get used to the meds.
only downside is that i haven't been able to go to the gym as it can be dangerous as you start adderall....as its a stimulant it increases your resting heart rate/ blood pressure ....and extreme cardiovascular workouts could cause a stroke/ heart attack :S
gym in two days....missing the tread mill......
hope your all good
hoping i can skip food totally today :)
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