Day two!~

Hey everyone!

So its the end of day two for me....been finding that the hunger pains have come....but that will stay for the next few days and then they should go away......was going to go to the gym today but I just felt like it would be a bad idea so decided against it.

I find it kinda funny the things I have noticed, friends of mine that normally always talk about the gym and being healthy etc, are the same ones trying to convince me to eat *not just food, but CRAP!*

oh well.....we will see in a few days once I weigh myself (trying to only do it every 4-5 days)

I really hope that when I do its a MUCH lower number!

Side note: I also still have huge feelings of low self worth, self hate...etc....and have a meeting with my psychologist tomorow....so that should be interesting.....not that I will divulge anything on this subject.

Dont know if I stated before, I have borderline personality dissorder, major depressive dissorder, and anxiety.....ya im a real friggen catch.

Anyways.....day two down.....38 to go....lol.

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQkYcbo7M0Y&feature=plcp

Love you all. xxoo.

S

Day One! Waterfasting

Hey all....wow am I good at keeping up a blog or what?! haha.

So today is the start of my new fast. I have decided I would like to try for at least one 40 day fast if I can make it. If I encounter any signs or feelings that I am worried for my health I will stop. But this is the quickest way I know to get rid of the weight. And using my blog will help me shame myself into carrying on with this..... I will be trying to "vlog" everyday so that you can see the progress/ I can......as well as trying to post daily on here as to my progress.......

And I will be trying to only weigh myself once every few days so that I dont get weighed down with the jumping numbers....as last time I tried this, everytime that the number would bounce back up a little I would be upset with my body.....

But here we go I guess

I will be doing a water fast, no calorie intake.
              -will be taking multivitamin daily just for health.
              -only drinking water, or trying to...might have the occasional zero calorie other
                drink just so others notice less.

Here we go....today right now is the end of day one. :)

Stats: (embarassing!!!!!!!)

         I am 5'4"

         todays weight is 229.........ugh I hate myself.

link to video for today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36bzbux5Bi0&feature=plcp

See you tomorow.......

S

Im back!

Hello Blog,

Sorry for my absence... although I hope to post daily as a self motivator once again.

'dieting' once again, went to the gym today and did 45 mins on the treadmill.....not good but not bad either, also as a sign of commitment to myself and this weight loss I decided that today would be a fasting day....so my body is just getting used to the idea again, lots of water has been curbing the stomach grumbles.

**discretion advised**
In no way am I writing this as a guide for anyone to follow, I realize that this form of 'diet' is considered unhealthy... I am an adult and free to do what I wish, but please do not follow me as an example....I am absolutely not a good role model!

 **discretion advised**

Well bloggies, I will see you tomorrow and everyday that I can possibly keep this up for.....hopefully longer than last time :S

CLL!

hey

worthless

PS

i can see you guys reading ;)

feel free to comment

hehe <3

Bad day again

today is just horrible.....

woke up being unhappy....my mother asked me if "i am safe" again yesterday, all because i simply told her that i am sorry that i disappoint them (my parents). she argued me over whether i did or not....i know that i do tho, i wouldn't be happy if my 24 year old daughter was as f""ked up as i am....

so today i just really have felt totally out of control and unhappy. the guy that i have been having sex with and pursuing a relationship with again today went back to his ex. shes a fat bitch that is so stupid i cant even convey it. she has no high school, dropped out in grade 9....and is a bartender, no school, no future, no brain.

makes me feel so much worse about myself wondering what it is about me that makes me less wanted than a girl like her....i am unwanted, and she doesn't even have to try to have everything.

i know that i shouldn't even want him, and that hes an idiot. but my mind tells me i want guys like him, and on good days, hes the only thing that makes me happy at all.

regardless i decided that today i wouldn't eat.
and i couldn't even keep that up, i ate a couple pieces of popcorn and a couple fries.....i feel fat, and disgusted with myself.

i cant wait ...2 days and i get to start back on the treadmill......i need to loose sooooo much more weight I'm a cow, and i obviously disgust men.......

i wish i was thin, i wish i was happy, i wish i was beautiful.....

im going to go watch the kim carpenter movie again.....gain new insight and ideas.....

**clue for people...watching documentaries and movies on eating disorders help keep up your resolve**

sorry readers

Sorry for my absence.....I had a bit of a hard time, was sick, one of my friends figured out my plan and I had to spend time convincing them that I was fine, and I fell off the waggon for a bit and had a binge fest....all of which left me feeling drained and more depressed than before.

however this little episode left me with a very incredible gift....my psychologist has prescribed me adderall (FINALLY!).....i am prescribed it for the symptoms of my depression not covered by my antidepressant....and oddly enough basically anyone can become prescribed it if you know what to say and what things it can be used for off normal use (add adhd) ....feel free to msg me if you need assistance. ;)

anyways. adderall is a really strong stimulant and makes you lose weight because it takes away almost your entire appetite, however after it starts to wear off for the day you can feel your hunger pains very strong for a while before bed......

i find that if i just have a small meal once a day before bed its helping....and i plan to further restrict this as i get used to the meds.

only downside is that i haven't been able to go to the gym as it can be dangerous as you start adderall....as its a stimulant it increases your resting heart rate/ blood pressure ....and extreme cardiovascular workouts could cause a stroke/ heart attack :S

gym in two days....missing the tread mill......

hope your all good

hoping i can skip food totally today :)